Don't Call Me.

Don't call me.

Is it possible to get PTSD from a shitty job situation? It’s week two since I retired, and I’m still expecting my phone to blow up. I’m still expecting some volunteer to come at me with an expense report from 6 months ago that never got processed, or a client to call me sobbing  because their food stamps were cancelled or they were dropped from Medicaid. I’m still waiting for a snotty email from someone telling me some random form wasn’t completed correctly. 

I still wake up in the morning expecting to dread my entire day. I wake up expecting to catapult out of bed and start lining up all of the horrific things that have to get done: A zoom meeting with a bunch of surly volunteers, or a monthly report that I don’t know how to do, but which due by close of business, or a presentation on Medicare in front of 100 strangers. There was always something, some heavy lift (or three) that I had deliver on. Outside my comfort zone, you say? Please. For the last two years on that job I had no comfort zones. All of it was overwhelming me. Everything. The whole fucking place made me break out in hives. 

Not dreading my day is new to me. I’m still having to remind myself that I can enjoy the now, I can spend my day any way I choose. It begs the question: How had I let myself be dragged into that nightmare? How had I let it become so bad? Why did I struggle with it for so long?  

*    *    * 

The day looks promising. I have a wee bit of ugliness with the dentist this morning that I’m not looking forward to — they’re planning to drill another hole in my head — but otherwise it’s smooth sailing today. 

There's a yoga studio in St. Lucie I've been wanting to check out (don't laugh, I'm actually very stretchy), and I should probably show my face at this new Bayshore Club recovery thing I discovered last week. 

Am I the only one who finds the beach kinda boring? ?

This is all new to me, this waking up in the morning without urgency, without stress, without anxiety. 

It’s actually not terrible. I could get used to it.