I suck at setting deadlines.

Is that all there is? 

It sucks when you wake up in Paradise and wonder where it all went so terribly, abysmally wrong. 

I didn’t do most of the things on my list from yesterday, which is only a few short steps away from being day drunk on box wine by noon can be problematic for the recovering drunk, wait alcoholic, no I mean person suffering with a substance use disorder.  

It’s just too easy to waste time when no one is standing over me. I woke up this morning feeling… what, exactly? Irritable? Anxious? Unmoored? I’m a month into this “retirement” thing, and don’t get me wrong, it’s great. But there’s also a growing sense of “Okay, now what?” 

I predicted this, of course. Throughout my career(s), even in the fallow periods, there's always been a “Next Big Thing” to reach for. The next step up, the next pay increase, the next rung on the ladder to climb. When you step off the merry-go-round, there is no longer any prize to reach for. At least, not there. 

What to do now, in a world without deliverables, without deadlines? I’m free to grow my own garden and there, of course, is the rub. It's embarrassing to admit at my age, but I really don't know how to set my own deadlines. I’m not really sure where to start. 

I practiced scales for awhile, ahead of my piano lesson on Monday. 

* * *  

I spend too much time here. 

Have I mentioned that writing Etsy listings is the bane of my existence? Boring as fuck Tedious, to say the least. The platform itself is easy enough to use, but let’s face it: once I’ve closed a strand and put a clasp on it, I’m done with it. 

Trust me, the last thing I feel like doing after stringing the same piece three, maybe four times before it's how I want it, is to then cost out each element that made the final strand. 

It's a painstaking process, because I curate beads from all over the world, and the price per bead (or per inch for small beads) can vary widely. 

Once a reasonable asking price has been set, there are a billion pics to take and crop and edit, and some catchy words to write about why this is THE MOST FABULOUS PIECE OF JEWELRY EVER!!! about the items that are included in the piece. There's shipping to consider, the measurements, any other materials included in the item. Etsy makes all this as easy as possible, but it’s still a righteous pain in the ass a chore.

*    *    *

Neolithic era African trade beads,
estimated to be anywhere from 1,000-3,000 years old. 

I finally finished the strand I’ve been working on for a couple of weeks, the ancient amazonite 5-stone focal point. I paired this with 12 ancient glass beads on each side, all of it held together with ancient roman, and modern amber glass. I think it turned out quite nicely, good balance, the right length. It hangs well. I try to pair beads appropriately in my designs. If I'm just having fun with modern glass or clay beads or wood, pretty much anything goes. It's all up to your personal esthetic. 

But the older the beads, the more careful I am. The more respectful, not just in the handling and storing of them, but in how I'll mix them. Call it bead ageism, but I can't bring myself to mix a small lot of 1,400 year old Venetian glass with neon colored acrylics.

Ancient glass beads from the Roman period,
dating 1st - 4th century A.D.

We’ll see if it sells; these antiquities are a more specialized market. If not, I’m happy to hold on to it for awhile. 

Meanwhile, I have these absolutely gorgeous Islamic era blue glass “evil eye” beads. Almost all of the blue Islamics can be traced back to the excavation in Djenne, Mali, a major ancient trade route. There they found thousands and thousands of ancient trade beads that had been buried there beneath the Saharan desert for centuries. (I’ll note, a very small one of these beads, with no evil eye marking, is included in the necklace I just finished.) 

Current iteration:
stone and ancient glass

The blue Islamics can vary widely in price, anywhere from $5-10 for a small unmarked bead, up to $100 or more (per bead) for larger ones with clear “evil eye” inclusions. The “eyes” on these beads are sometimes painted, and finding painted eyes is exciting because with beads this old, any paint is usually long worn off or covered with the patina of age. More often the “eyes” are inclusions of white glass to the surface of the blue. These beads are over 2,500 years old, as noted, from the Islamic era — which is why I call them blue Islamics. 

~2,000 yr old glass beads

I’ve been holding on to these beads for awhile, but they’re getting antsy. They want to be see daylight again. They want to be seen. 

And really, don’t we all? 

* * *

Note to self: It’s too easy (and not good) to isolate. That’s the path to heartache. There are a lot of cool things to do and places to be. For now, it's enough that I just keep showing up. Can I do that without a time clock? 

These beads were made for walkin'