I'm so tired of you all, and why does no one call me...!?

I don’t know what to do about my inability to engage with other people lately. I get calls. I get texts. I get emails. I can’t bring myself to respond to any of them. I haven’t responded to the former colleague who wants to have lunch. I haven’t responded to my nephew, even though yesterday was the anniversary of his father's  death from pancreatic cancer 13 years ago. It took me weeks to respond to an in-law's request, and I only did so, finally, because I’ll have to see them at Christmas. 

I’ve always been like this to some extent (would you like some Social Anxiety with your Dysthymia...?) but I seem to be getting worse with age. I simply can’t think of anyone I particularly need to talk to seem to bring myself to interact with other people these days. 

As in, like, anyone. About anything. Ever. Every day I am less and less capable of talking on the phone. At all. We can still text. For now. Maybe. 

This is perfectly normal, right?  

It doesn’t feel like anxiety. It doesn’t feel like depression. I'm on friendly terms with both, but this feels more like a simple coming to terms with the fact that everything in my life changed during Covid. Really. Everything.    

If I'm on my own for the rest of this life, then I’m also not beholden to anyone else’s agenda. For the first time in my life, I don’t have to return your fucking calls.

Here's a question: For someone who breaks out in hives from casual exposure to other humans, how am I now so popular? This week alone:

 

• Let’s have lunch to relive the former job! No. 
• Come work for us for free! No.
• Come run this zoom group for us! No.
• Come listen while I whine about my personal life choices for an hour! No.
• Come and make small talk with me until your ears bleed! No.
• Come with me to the laundromat, or while I sit in line at the DMV! No.
• Come lift this, move this, do this for me! No, no and no. 

I’m not available. I've been through some shit that I'm still trying to sort out, and I really just want to be left alone for a good long time. Maybe forever. What’s so hard about this to understand? 

The best part, of course, is that later I can feel sorry for myself that no ever calls me. 

See? It's a win-win!