I Don't Know Who Needs To Hear This: Earwax Edition

Okay listen up. Things have become entirely too scatological on this dumb blog. I'm tired of you people (all three of you) and your prying eyes. Your prurient interest in my bowels, my teeth, my general decrepitude -- it all needs to stop immediately. It's unseemly. 

Today we'll be discussing ear wax, a topic of which I have some knowledge. 

Like this, but smaller.

As it happens, I was born with very narrow ear canals (this is true, I've had two -- count 'em two! -- ear, nose & throat specialists comment on this) and I also happen to be of a Northern European lineage that apparently produces more cerumen (the fancy name for ear wax) than most.

It's possible that the sudden and complete loss of hearing in my right ear a decade ago may have been the result of complications related to my somewhat unique ear structure. 

It happened suddenly, literally over night. I woke up one morning in my late 40s, and things sounded funny. It took me a few minutes to realize I couldn't hear anything from my right ear. 

Naturally, with my freakishly small ear canals and my genetic knack for producing cerumen fuck it ear wax, I assumed it was simply plugged. Sadly, it was nothing so simple this time. 

Over the years, I've become adept at A) unplugging my ears when this happens, and B) preventing it from happening in the first place. Here's the thing: 

Don't do this, k? 

(Today's buried PSA): When it comes to your ears, Q-tips are from Satan. Do not stick these things into your ears. 

Look, don't @ me on this. I'm not a hater of Q-tips. They come in handy for cleaning small spaces, no question. Things like those little magnetic connector thingies that always seem to get gummed up, or the narrow spaces on your keyboard, things like that. They're indispensable for pretty much any arts & crafts project worth its time. I love me some Q-tips, okay? 

But don't stick them in your ears. As ear-cleaning tools, they're no more useful than the average pencil. I'm also not a big fan of those wicked little drill-looking things you see people using on the internet to pull thick ropes of gunk out of their heads. 

No, don't fall for these gimmicks. Use what the pros use: the tried & true ear syringe, or its common name: the Big Blue Bulb. 

1. Fill a sink with warm (not scalding) water. 
2. Squeeze the bulb and let it suck up the warm water. 
3. Lean over the sink, and gently press the bulb of warm water into your ear. 
4. Repeat until everything is clear. 

If your ear is srsly plugged, you can get ear wax removal kits at the drugstore that include the bulb, and also drops that will soften the wax for easier removal. (They won't include Q-tips.)  

Shut up, all of you. We tackle the tough issues on this blog. I never said it was gonna be pretty.