It’s 7AM on a Friday morning and I (again, today) have nothing urgent on the agenda. How is this still possible? This means I have no excuse for not writing The Book today. Is The Book still a thing? Yes, it’s still a thing.
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| Funny how that works... |
However, today will be a "Drew Day", in that he also has nothing pressing, and will likely be underfoot for most of it. We’ve been needing to get to Sam’s Club, and it feels like that kind of day.
There was a time not so very long ago when having Drew around meant adhering to his agenda. It meant focusing on him, his needs, his moods, his affect, his task list, his criticisms, his general disaffection. It meant acquiescence to his general air of disappointment in all things relating to ME.
Welp, those days are gone. I have my own agenda now. Drew can judge me all he wants for sitting on my ass doing nothing writing all day.
The simple fact of the matter is I don’t need a thing from Drew, least of all his stingy approval. Look, it’s nothing personal; I still “love” Drew, whatever that means. We have 40 years of history together, and I value that. It’s possible that we’re even building something new here.
But for once in my life, I don’t need anything from anyone, including Drew. Maybe especially from Drew. It’s fucking liberating.
* * *
So, anyway: It’s July. I’m wondering fantasizing: Could I actually have a working draft of this book done by the end of this month? Yes. Hey, shut up all of you, it could happen.
Honestly, Dumbblog, it could be finished already but for the fact that you have no focus, no discipline, and no talent.
But on the other hand, when has that ever stopped me? I never sat still when I was working for a living; I landed jobs, conquered them, and calculated my next move up the ladder. I was a “team player,” and I had a knack for opening doors. I was a good career climber.
And I took risks. Ididn’t just change job descriptions, I changed whole career paths, whole different fields of expertise, again and again — computer programming, news reporting, advertising exec, even nursing — yes, that’s right, I’ll have you know I completed my CNA certification just a few years ago, in my late fifties, after “dropping out” of DC and moving to Florida. In addition to everything else, I’m a medical professional!
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| OK, maybe a little braggy... |
I’m not trying to sound braggy — I had my share of flops, and nowhere was this more evident than in my last shitty gig. My point is that I have professionally reinvented myself more times than I can count, certainly more than your average career climber.
And at each new step there was a clear sense of “faking it.” Of acting comfortable in my new role, while actually quaking inside and feeling like a fraud, like an imposter, a charlatan.
I have always been an imposter at heart. Hey look Mom, I’m a computer programmer! Hey look Mom, now I’m a writer & editor of a national magazine! Hey look Mom, now I’m an advertising exec! Hey look Mom, now I’m a nursing assistant working on a memory unit! See? You can’t even tell I’m totally faking it!!!
Except that… well, I wasn’t just faking it. I worked my ass off to learn the skills and deliver the goods in each new role.
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| Careers, I've had a few... |
Was I pretending at first? Playacting? Sure. But the funny thing is that sometimes that whole “fake it til you make it” thing actually works. Sometimes, if you keep showing up and plugging away at it, keep putting in the work and learning the skills — well, one day you wake up and realize you’re not faking it anymore.
You realize one day, without having noticed, that you now know the job you are tasked with, you have the skills to complete all the different tasks that come with your role. You realize that you’re not faking it anymore, that you have become the official doer of that thing.
* * *
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| Easy peasy! |
What I am these days, based solely on my own declaration of it, is a writer of books. After all, am I not writing one? Do I not sequester myself away for long minutes to set fingers to keyboard? Am I not building a plot, and creating a narrative arc? am I not exploring universal themes? For god's sake, am I’m working from an outline!?
I have whole chapters written. Does this not make me, in fact, a writer of books?
Okay fine, whatever. So I’m still an imposter to the whole book-writing thing. I won’t be a “real” writer until this first one is written. (I said written, not published, which is a whole new career step, lulz.)
But I will indeed write this book, publishable or not, because I am a doer of this thing, and writing this fucking book is what I do now.
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