"... Just wanna write it all down, and rest for awhile."

I'm writing a book,
have I mentioned? 

Have you ever tried to tell your own story? Not just speaking your truth in the here and now, in the moment, but actually looking back and trying to weave the events of your life into some kind of cohesive narrative? 

It's like eavesdropping on your own conversation. It's like breaking into your own house. It's supremely self-conscious, in the way that all casual displays of public nudism are. It's a bit like writing a dumb, narcissistic blog about yourself, come to think of it.   

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I’ve always had to write my thoughts down in order for them to be real. I had to get it down, to see things clearly  spelled out on paper. 

In that sense, I've always been a "writer." I was a blogger at heart before the Internet even existed. It isn’t hyperbole to say that when I was a teenager (yes children, there was a time lulz), that keeping that beat-up old paper notebook next to me was what kept me alive. Forty years later I still have most of them. 

Writing it down was how I learned to think things through. It helped me follow the rational thread forward, to stay the course, to find a way forward.

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If I haven't exactly written the next Great American Novel, I've still managed to land on the brighter side of "okay," and it was mostly the writing that propelled my careers. 

*Title reference

Writing is encoded into my DNA. Whether the words are seen by other eyes is completely irrelevant. I have digital reams of meaningless, unread drivel that I have to write myself every morning just to get out of the house. 

I write because it’s my  mechanism for thinking. It helps to still the neurotic and competing voices in my head. If I were in solitary confinement, I would probably scribble on the walls with my own blood. Not feces tho, I do have some standards and my writing isn't that bad.) 

But a book? Really? My people keep telling me it's time. 

I’m not even sure how to start. Baby steps. I have an outline; if I can’t start at the beginning, I’ll break into the story mid-stream. 

I will write this book. It’s not about publication. It’s about writing it all down while I’m here, capturing it all before I go. It doesn’t matter if this book says anything new, it doesn’t even matter if anyone reads it.

I need to write it all down. Dunno why. But write it I will.